I’ve recently started dating an amazing man. I’m beginning to have strong feelings for him and think I may be in love. My question is: how do I know it’s really love? And, is it too soon to say those three words? It’s only been two months, and I don’t want to scare him away.
– Charmaine Hicks
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Hi Charmaine. Thank you for your question.
It’s a challenging one to answer because no one can tell you if what you’re feeling is “real” – only you can know that. What I can say is that there are some signs that can help you to know if it’s love or if it’s something else (deep like, lust, infatuation, etc.).
In my experience, love is a much richer feeling than liking someone a whole lot, although … love can start from there. When you feel for the person with the same level of care, concern and respect that you have for yourself – that is a sign of love. When your “want” for their peace, protection, happiness and fulfillment is as great as that which you have for yourself, you know that you’re coming from a space of love … that it’s genuine and rooted in something beyond merely liking them.
It feels almost like a need, to know that they’re safe, happy and doing well. You’ll want to see them growing and to add to them, to their life, their person. Not from a place of control or ego, but from a deeper place within you … from your heart space.
To know that this person is happy, within their spirit … it brings you sincere joy. You’ll have a sense of empathy towards them and feel invested in their well being. That is a definite sign that you have love for them. There is an acceptance of who that person is and you won’t feel the need to “change them” to suit you. You’ll create space for that person to just “be” … and “being” with them feels good to you.
There are also levels to love, a deepening that happens over time, as you grow together, understand each other more and even as you continue to love yourself more. You will bring that deeper love to each other, as the bond between you strengthens.
These are a few signs that can help you to know if you are feeling the beginnings of a ‘genuine love’. It sounds like you’re planting those seeds. Now, you need to nurture it, so you can help it bloom.
As for the second part of your question: “is it too soon to say those three words – you don’t want to scare them off”. I would say the first thing you need to ask yourself is ‘what is your intention for telling them’? Are you telling them because you merely want to express what you feel and let them know that they’re loved and cared for by you? Do you want them to say it back? Do you need them to say it back to feel safe in what you feel for them? If they don’t say it back and they give some other response like “awe, thank you” … will that change how you treat them and express yourself with them, moving forward? What is your intention in telling them? That is something I think you need to ask yourself and be clear about before you say anything. If your intent is to express yourself, to let them know how you feel and you have no expectations on the outcome of that expression, I would say ‘go ahead and tell them’. It’s okay to be honest and real with your feelings. It’s okay to be vulnerable. If it “scares them away” … isn’t that something you’d like to know sooner rather than later? If your truth is something they’re not ready for, at least you’ll know before investing further. Sometimes, if a person says, “I love you” to someone and that person backs off, it can be for a number of reasons. Here are a few of them:
- They don’t have true intentions of building with you or really see a future with you.
- They are not comfortable with intimacy.
- They don’t trust what they’re feeling so, they can’t trust what you’re feeling either (trust issues).
- They’ve been hurt before when they’ve opened up and expressed their feelings, so they’re slower to share their emotions and may even run away when you express yours.
- They’re not ready to let someone love them (not healed from past wounds).
- They don’t share those same feelings for you.
These are just a few reasons people would back away from someone telling them “I love you” … but, of course there are many others, as we all have different experiences and each situation is unique to those people involved.
My advice to you is: don’t let fear keep you from taking a chance on what feels like love and expressing that love, just because they may pull back. As I mentioned above, I would think it’s better to know early if that person is moving in the same direction as you in regards to your connection. They don’t have to say it back in that same moment to show that they’re in it with you (although, they might), so try not to hold that expectation. As long as you don’t change your energy towards them after you’ve said it … and they don’t pull back or run away … you’re golden!!! I would say – if you feel it, say it! At the very least, you’re being true to who you are and how you feel. As for them, hey – it’s always nice to know that you’re loved!